Well this is going to be one of those come clean with yourself reports. I was sitting around here thinking about the fact that I’m within two weeks of moving. About the fact that I hate moving and what a terrible place I’m moving to, I mean this place is the absolute pits. It not only need cleaned, it needs painted, I have to chase out the possums that now live in the attic and roam the whole building. I mean I have my hands full without a doubt.
Well, I’M sitting a round thinking about all this and how overwhelming it all is and my mind began to wonder back to the old days, just a few years removed, and how easy everything seemed to be back then.
Well the fact of the matter was that things were not so much easier as they were that, I just didn’t care about any thing except getting drugs. Yes it’s true something a lot of people don’t know about me is that I had a very bad drug addiction for a very many years( the majority of my adult life). And I got to thinking that life wasn’t so much easier, I just didn’t care about anything but getting my drugs. I mean I had no thoughts of where I would sleep, or eat, or going to jail; no I just didn’t care, only get the drugs. Well now things are not the same.
No, today I have what are called Responsibilities and the hardest part is today I care about these responsibilities. Yes I actually care about things that I and others do in this world. I can remember when that was not the case. And oh, how it hurts at times, how at time I just want to break down and cry and say fuck it all. Yes, that– Fuck it was once my only response to anything and today- that just doesn’t work as a response to anything. No today I struggle and the vast majority of times it seems as though it will be totally overwhelming and sometimes it is, but most times I somehow get through. So today I will once again say a prayer to the Lord, a rather new experience for me, and hope that somehow this all works out. I know I have my hands full and that at 62 yrs. old I do not feel like starting over once again but the facts of life is that this is where I find myself to and unless I’m prepared to give up and return to the addiction which will surely take my life this time, I have no choice but to keep trying. And who knows, maybe it won’t be as bad as I think. Or at least I pray it . Till the next time — THAT’S THE WAY I SEE IT.